What do you say to a co-worker who has lost a significant loved one or worse, how do you function in the workplace after losing one of your own? None of us really know what to say to people who have experienced loss. So, most times we say nothing at all. As the holidays approach, pay close attention to your workplace culture around normalizing the human experience of love and loss and human beings experiencing emotions in the workplace. Grief in the workplace can be difficult for all and expressed by all. I strongly recommend reading the neuroscience behind grief in O'Connnor's book, "The Grieving Brain: The Surprising Science Behind Love and Loss." O'Connor describes what the shock does to the brain and you can see why your co-worker may need a minute or two to catch up. The book frankly made me feel normal in my grief.
Never again should the words, “You need to keep your personal life at home” be uttered at work as those words stem from a stoic and toxic environment. Co-workers can offer a few minutes of refuge, with offers like, “Do you want to take a walk, or just sit with me for a moment" instead of saying get it together. Distract your team member with a joke or ask for help on something if their mind tends to stay in that pain. Overtalking about the death is not helpful to the brain, according to O'Connor.
Never again should the words, “You need to keep your personal life at home” be uttered at work as those words stem from a stoic and toxic environment. Co-workers can offer a few minutes of refuge, with offers like, “Do you want to take a walk, or just sit with me for a moment" instead of saying get it together. Distract your team member with a joke or ask for help on something if their mind tends to stay in that pain. Overtalking about the death is not helpful to the brain, according to O'Connor.
Some emotions we thought we reconciled or buried come back even years later during the holidays. People cope by a quick jaunt outside, to the car, to the restroom for a quick walk, talk, or cry or to just sit in silence to settle the body and breathe. After a brisk walk away, stroll back in to the office or jump back on that Zoom feeling refreshed. Listen by making eye contact and listening with no advice. Sometimes, work may be the safest place to be if we have support. But, some of us were taught that to be strong, we need to not show human emotion. We know that fierce strength is a silent killer in every way from addictions to heart disease. You don't never bury your feelings. You allow them to flow through you or they manifest into physical disease. Cry it out.
“The purpose of thinking is to let the ideas die instead of us dying.”
―Why are holidays so hard?
The holiday season is about family or lack there of and it's about money and pressure and belief systems. Ask around how many people dust off festive decor and remember the people who owned that stuff before you did. The person we lost plays a vital role still. Include them in discussions about family members if other family's member are discussed. Since my mom died, I have never received a wrapped gift again from anyone. Not a new car just maybe a hat or something tiny. Loss seeps into all the little decorated crevices. You think of buying them gifts, talking about them at work, and their favorite dishes or traditions during this festive time.
IT IS NORMAL TO MISS SOMEONE FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
Most of the time we want you to speak of them, ask questions about their lives, and honor the person who passed on with a word of kindness but only at these appropriate times. In fact, there are several ways to acknowledge and honor the person who passed on.
For the grief spasms that can occur so long after a loved one has passed, it's normal to be incapacitated. One of O'Connor's trusted best practices for the grieving brain is to stay busy and keep a normal routine. When the mind is troubled, the body falls ill more often, especially if the grieving experiences PTSD and high levels of depression and anxiety, often healed by EMDR trauma therapy.
Work places sometimes host calm rooms for the purpose of resetting the nervous system, or they should. Walking in nature or exercise all year long, every morning at sunset resets the nighttime pain and you arrive at work refreshed.
Surprisingly, being at work helps us feed the prefrontal cortex, the thinking part of the brain where hope is found in the creation of the moment. When we calm or distract the brain from ruminating, glucose changes course and decreases the limbic response. We calm the body and we can think. At work, we perform tasks in a safe environment for the brain. Social interaction offers the possibility to feel whole and to be surrounded by people we count on and who count on us. Ask the survivor how he or she can be supported. Productivity can be fostered even a little bit from hope. Hope gives us drive and a meaningful existence in the workplace.
A healthy workplace offers the grieving social support which is critical to healing. The holidays are the perfect time to honor the whole human in your presence. The work place is the perfect setting to give back to the community and heal your heart. Organize a sock or coat drive, a food drive with your co-workers. Make it a contest that will impact the community effectively and cheerfully.
Being of service in any community and giving love heals the brain and body when grief displays as love without that special person to love now.
Now is the time to schedule wellness trainings for the mind, body, and spirit. We function as a whole person. Your workplace can become a safe haven for the person who experiences loss. Thankfully, we're learning to foster workplaces that allow for support through grief, creating opportunities for more productivity, a solid culture of awareness and trust, and even a nice celebration for the holidays.
