Tips For a Good Day During Grief

What is your definition of a “good” day after losing someone you love? Does it mean you get out of bed? Have coffee outside the house or take a walk? Can you clean or take some time for healing, reading, or put effort into your latest work or mission? Ruminating for too long is the greatest barrier to moving through grief. And, I do know that laughing or even being outside can look like a complete betrayal in the beginning because that person can't laugh so why should you? So, on the good days it's critical to create new experiences that may just be the self-care to shower. You don't have to find a reason to do anything and you don't need to justify why you can't. Getting up starts with stopping. Stop yourself for laying there and try.

1.      Leave the house immediately. No matter the temperature or weather, get up, get a shower and dress for the day. Go for a walk around the neighborhood or buy something small for your SELF. Please don’t make big plans and then discover that it’s too soon to be around many people if you’re only ready to venture out into your yard, neighborhood, or nearest park. Make your walk a ritual. Start your day or end the evening with nature and by the bilateral stimulation that allows the brain to process. 

Distract your grief while walking or in nature by using your senses. Name something you see, hear, can touch, and most importantly SMELL that you like. Opening your nasal passages and allowing for fresh air to flow through you provides the brain with something new and your brain needs new.

2.      Phone a friend. I call my lifelines (mostly whoever is available to listen) when I’m falling apart. It helps me to verbalize my pain, doubt, and guilt so that I can overcome it for a moment. But, you'll need to change the focus from you to the person you call. Show interest in his or her story. Because for everyone else, life goes on. Seems like something we do every day but we were different people before we lost our loved one. We need the balance of talking it through but not too much to ignore the part of life with the living.

3.      Read for pleasure. We’re already overloaded with self-help material like books about grief, death, suicide, and a plethora of recommendations or gifts of books to read. Instead, pick up a book that will take you on an adventure. I just finished The Count of Monte Cristo in a beautiful escape. Read something you LIKE. If you’re in the mood to learn, by all means motivate yourself but allow the brain to experience pleasure and escape without analyzing yourself.

4.      Clean. Take the opportunity to rearrange, organize, and create a space for YOU. I bought a beautiful salt lamp and small tabletop fountain for my bedside to create a space that feels good. Cleaning is almost impossible in the throes of grief (which most people can’t comprehend and we can’t focus on trying to explain it) but if you can put things away, the brain sees this organization and understands the process of solving problems. The eye movement of washing the floors on your hands and knees soothes you while you allow your mind to wander, a healthy passing of time indeed! Please stay away from organizing materials from your loved one. It never ends well.

Pump up the jams. Whether you play an instrument or simply love your playlist on good days, turn it up and get the body moving! Dance in your kitchen, relax with lofi in the tub, just sing and move and hum. If you're feeling frisky in a few minutes, don't believe that you can belt out that emotional slow jam that makes you think of your loved one. Stick to the fun, maintain the balance.

I keep it very simple these days. I am not out at restaurants with many people or in crowded places much, even on my good days. I’m not the same person I was before my daughter passed. I keep things slow and easy in these last 6 months. I only do what I can, when I can and I don’t explain to anyone.

Remember, this one point if nothing else speaks to you. Until you’re ready to live for your SELF again, live for your loved one. For me, I am Taylor-powered on the good days. I use her energy, knowing she’s with me, watching over me. I talk to my daughter out loud while I sit by the pond. I only do what I can and on the good days, I want to make her happy and proud of me for being the strong mom she always thought me to be. I want to continue to live in her honor, in a way that will give to others through empathy and compassion as I lived before I lost her. Grief has no time limit and tomorrow may be the day you’ll find me on the floor sobbing. So for just one day, I offer you a little lift and a little life and a pep in your step. One day you will live for you knowing that we’re all one, we’re all together, that they never truly leave us and that we can make them proud through the devastation that has altered us for the rest of our lives. And, it's all okay.