In the past year, I’ve never felt so alone. It feels like even
close friends and family members have all but abandoned me in my grief. Grief
is the loneliest of roads and I believe the abandonment we could be feeling is
attributed to trying to fill those voids with the one we lost, in my case, my
daughter. People just don’t know what to say about my pain and they have their
own issues which to them, seems to pale in comparison to losing a child,
spouse, or any loved one with 2 or 4 feet, for that matter. There were and are
times when I just can’t be present for someone else’s dilemma. It could be
something easy for me to talk about with him or her but I can’t find the
emotional capacity to help. At times I feel useless, unneeded, and forgotten.
But, if you stick with me you’ll find me ready to talk, willing to participate,
check in, and feel so useful and needed by providing support. So, why is it
important to stick with the grieving, for how long can you really stand
listening to the pain without being able to help, and what is the right thing
to say?
The newly grieving are protected by shock. In the case of
the sudden loss of a child this shock can last for months and even manifest often
as PTSD which must be treated. In these tumbling moments into the dark, we can
expect to hear anything from, “I’m sorry for your loss;” “Please accept my
condolences.” and “My prayers or thoughts are with you at this time.” Simple
enough. I don’t remember much of the first 6 months so there wasn’t much focus
on the “wrong things” said to me. But, I want to help people understand grief
and that it’s not so terrifying to talk about. Being there to listen to friends
or family when so many have given up on trying, is not only healing but
life-saving.
Here are some phrases that can be potentially damaging. I
hold the utmost respect for the people who just don’t know what to say. As for
the grieving, tell people what you need at the time. Your needs will change
over the weeks, months, and yes…years. In this long and lonely journey, count
on one hand the people who really know how to be there for you. And, reach out
when you need to. Relationships can be one-sided for quite some time after loss
but they don’t have to stay that way, especially with support.
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| Photo Credit: Timothy Carlson Photography |
The stages of grief impact what the mourning hear and respond,
and what we feel at the time. So, don’t be alarmed or surprised at responses
that may sound as if you’re well-wishes are not appreciated. We don’t even know
how we will feel from day to day sometimes. Be patient and heed some advice
from the newly grieving:
1.
Never tell a grieving parent that at least he or
she has another child or could potentially adopt. I was told I was leaving my
son out of the conversation and that he probably felt left out. I wasn’t asked how he was holding up and how our
relationship is. For someone to insinuate that I cared more about the dead than
the living created guilt and detachment from someone who had no idea how close
my son and I are. Instead, ask how siblings, the other parent or partner, or
family members are holding up. That’s okay. And so is asking, “How are you?”
Even I said that after someone passed recently and I noticed the words as they
landed. Of course, the grieving won’t respond with, “Just fabulous!” But we
understand this is a conversation starter,
and although feelings and emotions can be tumultuous, showing care is enough. Honoring
the loss of a family member or child does not necessitate the need to look at
the “bright side” or the implication that if the grieving parent does have
another child he or she is ignoring that child or somehow minimizing the love
we have for them. The concentration is of course focused on the lost child at
first. It will be for some time. Ask what you can do, specifically for the
family instead of what can seem like pressuring the family to move on more
quickly as not to leave anyone behind or that by adopting another child or
bearing another child will erase loss.
2.
Please do not tell a grieving parent that his or
her grief is holding his or her deceased child or loved one from moving on into
Heaven, the Universe or wherever you believe the soul travels or resides after
the body is no longer utilized here. Whatever your beliefs, grief is happening
all over the world so are all souls in your created limbo or pain? When you
tell someone that his or her grief is holding the child back from ascension (if
that is your belief), discern in what capacity you believe this declaration to
be helpful and think about how damaging it could possibly be to someone who
feels responsible for the death of his or her loved one. The rationale would
imply that no one who has passed on would be able to become whole, a saint, an
angel, a part of the Universe, at peace in Heaven or whatever your belief
system is because, again the parent is at fault for keeping them from moving on
by missing the child or loved one. Teach yourself about grief. I have been suicidal
myself in my grief and have overcome many obstacles, and still I have days in
which I’m physically ill, still fantasize about “going with her,” moving closer
to my son (poor guy is in college and he doesn’t want mom to move in!) When I
was told I was keeping her in pain or in a state less than bliss, I tried all
over again to die. I felt the most guilt for creating despair for her in her
afterlife, in her heaven. I didn’t want to continue living this way. That is the
message you are delivering. If you or
the person you want to help believes in heaven or the spirit world or anything
beyond the earthly plane, you are making assumptions and pushing the grieving mother
to the edge. You’re handing down an unfounded declaration and guilt (an emotion that I believe most
parents carry and thank you but we don’t need more guilt.) And, you are setting
time limits and crossing the most sacred boundaries.
3.
Call, text, write, send books, cook food, create
art or whatever you would like to contribute but don’t stop supporting a
grieving mother or father after the shock has worn off. It’s okay to call and
say, “I’m just thinking about you.” The grief of a child lasts a lifetime. If
you’re friends for life and can be there for your friend, you’ll find that in
time the grieving mother wants to hear all about your trials and tribulations,
your successes and your children. Don’t feel guilty about sharing your own joy
or pain. As a mother, I feel the need to be wanted, included, and needed. Most
days, thinking of my own friends’ dilemmas or triumphs gives me Purpose with a
capital Reason to live. You cannot fix
your friend but it is surprising how many people tire of talking about the one
who is no longer with us or how afraid people are to bring them up.
4.
We beg of you. Talk about our loved ones. Recall
a story or memory, even if it brings tears. There is nothing I love more than
hearing stories about both of my children. I am filled with pain sometimes but
also a sense of wonder and joy. In the first year especially, our cognitive
abilities slow, our memories are protected and by hearing tangible memories we are
reminded of the silly and wondrous ways we love and loved our children or loved
one.
5.
Please don’t tell us it will get better. Please don’t say she’s still with me so I
shouldn’t be sad. And please with everything inside me; never tell me that she
would not want me to suffer. More guilt and yet another avenue to diminish our
right to love and miss the ones who passed. We know you’re trying to help. We
know you don’t know what to say. Keep the dialogue open. Often, there’s nothing
you can say. But, you can ask if a loved one would like to talk. Back to
listening. In fact, I confided in a coworker that I lost my daughter and her
shock was visible. She said, “I lost my son 3 months ago.” Now, I’m a
professional griever and I was in the same category of finding the right words.
I expressed my condolences, I offered resources, I listened. I can’t help her.
It was one of those days in which I experienced deep depression and I validated
her feelings. I gave her my number. She said, “You know, sometimes all I want is
to have someone to listen.” How much
burden is placed upon our family members and partners when people tire of our
sob story? Support groups in their time can be key to venting, crying, opening
up, or simply listening to others who experience similar pain.
6.
People may not share your religion or be ready
to hear your message of love and compassion and of strength you received
through your beliefs. Chances are, the grieving could receive your words and be
saved pain by them in epic proportions. But, even the strongest believers in religion
or spirituality can and will at some point question their god or even become angry and confused about almost anything spiritual on
this journey.It seems as soon as people told me
that their faith saved them, it alienated me. They wanted for me to believe
what they believe so strongly that they were no longer my friends when I wasn’t
ready to embrace their churches, beliefs, or way of seeing the world. Ask the
person if he or she is interested in a faith-based path and acknowledge that
you still want to be present for him or her even if the religious path is not
someone else’s. She is my daughter.
She is not here. I miss her. I miss touching her, caring for her, talking to
her. This relationship has more than 2 participants but right now I'm confused, hurt, and would never suppose to know what another's beliefs are.
7.
Stay for the long haul. Most of my friends moved
on. They are not the mother. I know friends who have stuck by me through the
entire last year. The difference was there were no excuses why they couldn’t
call or check in. The friends who disappeared are not suffering as I am but I
still check on the friends I met who lost a child or lost a job or are moving
or having a baby or even getting ready for a wedding or graduation. We feel a
bit less lonely and lost.
Photo Credit Mark Moore Photography
The phone that doesn’t ring, the loneliness and despair, the
late night phone calls to people, sobbing, strengthening, falling down, it’s
all part of grief. You can only know this by asking, by calling, by checking
in. This is not a timed event. This is life and this is forever. My heart beats
strongly for my son and family but it will never be completely whole. Understanding
grief, guilt, pain, confusion and the many moods, the ebb and flow of this
harrowing journey is worthy of a good read at least. Don’t wait to grieve to
learn how to communicate with the grieving, Pick up a book, research, and just
try. Love and be present. One of my favorite phone calls was in the beginning
when a long-time friend called and said, “I don’t know what I’m supposed to
say.” We laughed and cried together. We made horrible jokes. She still calls me
crying and almost knows the right time to come to my rescue. In fact, she
threatens me with: “Don’t make me come get you.” I laugh as I cry through my
tears. Or, we meet for coffee and a laugh.
