Choose

I knew I wasn’t ready. I kept asking over and over and it was exhausting, I’m sure for everyone. I had to figure it out on my own. I can be trusted to be alone at night now. I chose Life. I want to Live to enjoy my son, my fiancé, my parents, my everyone….

I feel like I need to rewind because I’ve been a bit introverted while this shift is happening. I said that I wanted to miss my daughter without wanting to die. Without the guilt. I was killing my Self. Advise to me was a little bit of patience and a lot of people telling me that when it doesn’t serve me, it doesn’t do anything for me, I would let it go. Just knowing it’s possible to let go without letting go of my love for my daughter. I just lived with the guilt, shame, put myself on trial and the sentence was grim. I don’t necessarily have an answer for anyone going through that kind of pain over anything, much less a parent’s guilt about her or his child’s death. But, my desire to suicide stopped. I believe I didn’t want to die at all, I just wanted the pain to stop. Suicide is barely an option when faced with the honor of walking another beautiful soul to Heaven. No magic, no amount of talk would change my mind. I had to change my mind for my son, my fiancé , parents, sister…

I chose not to allow the word death to bother me. I chose to think that was one day and I don’t want to talk about it anymore. Reliving that day or the reasons or the questions  doesn’t serve me. And, I am choosing that mess to lose its’ power over me just like words. I can’t give in.

I chose to see my son at all costs and I think I wanted to spend time with him in his element, comfort zone, no one pulling for him to visit them on his short trip to our state. Our time together was relaxing. We enjoyed our conversations. We hung out and talked. I saw it that week. I knew the guilt was not serving me so I chose to let it go. No questions or discussion. Just go. I wanted some time to think, too. Things were changing in me. Vague. I can’t name the Things. But, I being with my son for that week allowed me to see a future. I have no idea what the future holds. He gave me new Life. I want to Live. I want to enjoy my son. I want to enjoy Life.

I really don’t know where to start on this difficult journey. It's embarrassing that my brain doesn't function well, yet. I don't like talking about myself, still. I am good at a few things but I'll not admit it and I believe I must practice letting go and letting go. I don't care to talk about me or my accomplishments yet. If you use the word yet, it means that change is possible. I changed my language, my tune, changed my mind, changed my heart.

You should listen to the way I talk about my children. I knew how to be a constant mother for 22 years and I strengthened my Self over the years to show them Life and Love and being genuine and kind. I talk about Taylor differently. And my sister. I brush over the part about them being gone from the Earth and I talk about my sister’s cooking, my son’s snarky and smart sense of humor. I talk about Taylor.

She was 4’11” and told people she was 5’, I love that. She wore frilly summer dresses and flip flops with a thick long mane of dark or purple hair. She adorned her body with 9 tattoos, once punched a tall man in the face for attempting to sell drugs to a friend and I could bet she was wearing pearls at the time. That’s Taylor. She loved glitter but not diamonds. She loved dogs and people. 

I chose that. I chose to change and to type those words with a smile and not a tear shed today. Another day, I’m sure. But, I think it’s pretty simple. I have to Live a rich and full life…as much as possible after losing part of me. Right now, I’m living for others. In order to find out who I am now after the wreckage, I have to simply be aware of the That standing in my way and move it over…like Carla and Taylor would. Thank you, Tom.