Life continues to evolve 2 years after
the loss of my child. Here are a few ways I've changed and some resources for hope.
1. Redefining. I don’t know who I am in the world.
I feel lost, abandoned, and sometimes without purpose. I know it’s important
for me to find that passion I once held for animals and people in need. I am
far from apathetic about issues I encounter. In fact, after 2 years into my loss and just a few months of losing
my big sister, I can barely cope with events or circumstances I feel are tragic. I believe we
who grieve experience a heightened state of fear and sensitivity until we are
able to release it. Aside from becoming more emotional and sensitive, I feel as
if I will return to being functional and even happy one day. So, I don’t push
myself. Even if a child or family member moves away, or your heart suffers from
an empty nest, we must redefine ourselves and many times over our lifetimes.
Where do we start and how do we keep up the momentum or hope? Life takes work.
Brain training takes on many forms and it has helped me move from my Emotional mind to my Logical mind.
2. Purpose. As stated above, I find difficulty in
choosing how to live a meaningful and purpose-driven life as I used to. For
some reason, I now equate my previous passion and determination with my loss,
as if I lived and functioned only for my daughter. This is simply not true. I
have other family members and friends I care deeply for. But, when I’m alone
and especially when I’m sad or nostalgic, the feeling of loss and lack of
purpose arises quickly. An example of this change is times in which I look at
old photos, even of me as a child. I wonder what it was all for if the end
result would be a lifetime of pain lies ahead. I will never truly heal from my daughter’s
suicide but I have learned to live with the pain. I can control my reactions
better, now and hope to see the light.
3. Stuff. In reflecting on purpose and passion, I
see around my home the items, trinkets, memories, ashes…of people who I have
lost. In a surge of strength and a desire to remove my surrounding memorabilia of
the lost, I want to create space that is solely mine, or at least honors the
living or helps me remind myself that it’s okay to create a “new me” instead of
walking into every room of my house and seeing constant reminders of them. I
have not created this space because, frankly, I’m afraid to. I feel guilty and
overwhelmed with their Stuff. I don’t want to focus on it while redefining
myself in the world. I believe that transition will come in time. I want to know it's okay.
4. Loneliness. I feel lonely a lot of the time. I
miss the days when my home was filled with kids, friends, and family. I used to
become abandoned in the first year of loss. I was lonely, the phone stopped
ringing, my daughter’s friends moved on as they should. I realize now that I
miss my daughter and sister. I don’t mind being alone most of the time. I know
when a wave of grief is coming by my search to bond with others. The paradox is
that life now is about a new me and strengthening my role as a mother of a son,
a friend, and so on. I do miss my friends and my daughter and sister’s friends
but I now recognize that the loneliness is the loss, not the lack of social
interaction. Social interaction, I believe, is paramount in keeping busy and
feeling useful in this time. Empathy has proven to heal us. I believe I must
keep going.
5. Cry. I help myself to cry when I am alone, feel grief
and have the privacy to mourn. I learned not to dive so deeply into the depths of question after
question about my family members’ passing. In doing so, I have learned how to
avoid. If the pain is with me, I try to make myself cry, and feel that it helps
me release pain. Choosing time to grieve and when not to fall in too deeply is
a helpful tool.
6. Friendship. My friendships and the dynamics of the
many friends of my daughter have changed. Some of my friends have been
suffering for quite a while with their own issues after my daughter’s passing. I no longer feel as if they need to pick up
the phone first or take care of me. I simply need to reach out more and be more
social. When friends confide in me, I am useful, I have meaning, I am needed.
It’s hard for people to confide in me because they say they feel as if my pain
is “bigger” than their issues so they feel as if they should not reach out.
Reach out.
7. Presence. The pain I carry today and the thread
I’ve heard expressed by others who have lost close loved ones dissipates in
moments in which I can be Present. When I feel alone or lost, when I feel
depressed or in pain, I distract myself if the time or place is not conducive
to a good cry. Loss like this will never heal completely. But, focusing on the
Now is all there is. Do not confuse being Present to mean that we don’t
remember. It’s okay to enjoy company and walk into the bathroom to cry or take
a moment if needed. It’s okay to cry at a party. But, if you can look into
another human’s eyes and just Be, the love you feel for them heals.
8. Guilt. I believe almost all parents feel guilty
about a child’s passing. I believe that once we own that guilt (although it’s
almost never the fault of the parents or others who feel that they should have
done more), we can move forward a step. The guilt will stay until I choose for
it not to. Whatever doesn’t serve me must pass. Guilt is a barrier that I have
not overcome yet. According to many books and testimonies, guilt is the most
damaging and greatest barrier to overcome.
If you or someone you know are thinking of suicide,
text HELLO to 741741 or call the National Suicide Hotline
1-800-273-8255. Please Stay.
9. Thoughts. For 2 years, I could not pick up a book
to concentrate. I can’t always remember people’s names. I think the most
opposite and intrusive thoughts I have never had. I hear of stories of mothers
who don’t talk to or want their daughters and I see moms and daughters in
stores together and I feel jealous. I envy them. I have not experienced envy in
the past. Now, the intrusive thoughts have shifted away from question after
question about what I did wrong and they will shift again. I tell my Self to be
happy for them as I used to be. This takes work. I can’t remember a lifetime of
stories at the moment. I know this too will change slowly. I believe that in my case, medication for depression is helping me through and I feel okay about taking it until I feel I can cope better.
The goal in
my life is to fulfill my own needs of belonging, presence, expressing my grief,
and climbing out of despair that leads to guilt and shame. I hope the links in this writing will help others. I want to talk about my daughter’s and my
sister’s wild, free, funny, endearing personalities and to tell stories about
them. I also want to hear stories of people others have lost. One day, I hope to tell more stories to remind myself of the beautiful
years I spent with them. The key word is hope.
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